[Wellness] Happy New Year From Karen

["Karen Patterson" <karen@womens-wellness.com>]

Treasured members,

Happy Healthy Superb New Year to you all!  May 2004 bring none of the
sorrows, anxiety, or ill health that 2003 may have brought.  I hope that you
are all looking through bright sparkling eyes into this up-coming year.  I
wish you the best!

I have been quiet lately because I have faced another difficult challenge
and pathway for my life.  I lost a very dear 45 year old friend to breast
cancer in December.  I have searched long and hard for the answer on whether
to share this with you.  In my experiences as a cancer support researcher I
have found that we do not want to hear or face the "bad part" of this
disease.  The treatment is enough to deal with--we don't want to consider
"That" possibility.  And I truly share that conviction.

I joined my first "visible" support group (with all of you being my
"invisible support group") at the urging of a lovely lady I knew.  I had
always known that this was not the thing for me, but I went with her to meet
the other survivors.  Well just that day they were preparing to deal with
the loss of a member.  I had not gone to "that" place so literally before.
They talked about things I can not get out of my mind to this day.  I never
went back.  So with this in mind I want to only share what I truly learned
hoping it will help one of you in some way.

For a few years I had been her advocate, support, confident, and friend.
Through all this we went through many phases and levels of reality and
emotion.  I was there when her 8 year old son drown 6 years ago while her
daughter lay in a coma. So we know each other very, very well. The total and
complete baring of it all kind of friendship.  The truth was always spoken
here.  We loved to meet after treatments for meatball subs.  She loved
meatball subs.  We would talk and share and cry for hours.  One day in order
to go any further in our reality we had to give each other permission to
express how we truly felt at any time about one another.  She confessed that
she was incredibly jealous of my continuing good health and I expressed how
truly guilty I felt every day for the same thing.  We cried and gave each
other permission to feel that way.  What a difference that made.

What I truly learned:

Everyone faces challenges in a different way and sometimes as the support
person we don't understand that but ultimately every person has to make
their own decision and we all live by it.

Support comes in many different ways.  We can each only handle certain
things: maybe because of past experience, up-bringing, and culture.  Feel
free to express yourself genuinely--that is  what that person most wants.
Crying together is okay.  Forced unnatural strength is tantamount to pride.
It cometh before the fall.  True strength or lack there of does not matter.
Truth and honest love at this point are the only things that matter.

Everyone, and I repeat everyone, deserves an advocate. I had a lot of
difficulty with the care my friend was receiving in the hospital.  Her 80
something mother was not able and I had to assume the position.  Nutrition,
medication,procedures, Hospice, daily humanitarian care.  I was with her
many many days when no one checked on her.  She needed a bath, lotion, and
hair care.  She responded so well to some beautiful smelling lotion.  Her
dry ravaged skin responded so humanly to the sooth of the lotion. The
appalling realization that she had not been touched in weeks was
heartbreaking. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I learned so
much about compassion and the fear of giving compassion because you can't
deal with it.

I went home guilty every day because I kept thinking, "Is this how I will
die."  Me, me, me. It was an unusual circumstance because we both had breast
cancer. But isn't that the natural response? This was NOT about me.  But yes
it was.  I had to sort out these feelings after her death.  I think I am at
a good place now and can put all those emotions in perspective because of
all I learned.  I truly hope that sharing this with you helps you.

Best of years,
Karen



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